It’s Not Your Kid’s Job to Keep Themselves Safe. It’s Yours.

I need to say something that might ruffle some feathers in the child safety world, and I'm okay with that.

There are programs out there—well-intentioned, well-funded programs—that teach children how to “protect themselves.” They use cool branding and fun activities. They tell kids things like, “The best way for you to be safe is to be able to protect yourself!” They celebrate kids who “never let anyone hurt them.”

And every time I see messaging like this, my stomach drops.

Because here's what I know after years of prosecuting child sexual abuse cases and working with families in the aftermath: when we tell children it's their job to keep themselves safe, we set them up to believe it's their fault when they can't.

The Problem With “Cool Kids Never Let Anyone Hurt Them”

It’s a phrase some child safety groups use, but let's sit with that phrase for a second.  “Cool kids never let anyone hurt them.”

Now imagine you're seven. Someone you trust—a coach, a family friend, an older kid—does something to you that feels wrong. You didn't stop it. You didn't fight back. You froze, because that's what children's brains are literally wired to do when they're scared or confused.

But you were supposed to be a kid who “never lets anyone hurt them.” You were supposed to have a plan. You were supposed to protect yourself.

So what do you conclude? That you failed. That you're not one of the cool kids. That something is wrong with you.

And here's the devastating part: you don't tell anyone. Because if it was your job to stop it, then the fact that it happened must mean you didn't do your job. And the shame of that—for a child—is suffocating.

Children Cannot Be Responsible for Their Own Safety

I want to be really clear about something. Children are not miniature adults. They do not have the cognitive development, the life experience, the physical strength, or the neurological wiring to protect themselves from an adult or older person who intends to harm them. This isn't a failure on their part. It's just reality.

When a child is targeted by someone who wants to hurt them—whether it's a bully, a predator, or anyone else—there is a massive power differential at play. A child cannot be expected to overcome that. And when we imply that they can, we're not empowering them. We're burdening them.

The research is clear on this: children who believe they bear responsibility for their own safety are less likely to disclose abuse when it happens. Not more. Less. Because the weight of perceived failure keeps them silent.

“But We're Just Teaching Them Skills!”

I hear this a lot. And I understand the impulse. Of course we want our kids to have tools. Of course we want them to know their body belongs to them, to recognize unsafe situations, to know that they can always come to us.

But there's a critical difference between teaching children awareness and telling children they are responsible for their own protection. The language matters. The framing matters. The messaging matters enormously.

Teaching your child, “If something ever feels wrong, you can always tell me, and I will believe you and help you” is empowering.

Telling your child, “You need to learn to protect yourself because no one can be with you all the time” is terrifying. And it's not true. It is our job to be the ones creating safety around our children—even when we're not physically present. We do that through the systems we build, the environments we choose, the adults we vet, and the culture of openness we create at home.

What Kids Actually Need to Hear

Instead of teaching children to be their own bodyguards, here's what the evidence tells us they need:

“It's never your fault.” Say this early. Say it often. Say it before anything happens. Say it when nothing has happened. Plant this seed so deep that if they ever need it, it's already there.

“There is nothing you could ever tell me that would make me stop loving you.” Children need to know—really, truly know—that disclosure won't cost them their relationship with you.

“My job is to keep you safe. That's not your job.” Take it off their shoulders. Let them be kids. Let the adults be the adults.

“Your body belongs to you, and no one has the right to touch you in a way that makes you uncomfortable.” This is body autonomy. This is awareness. This is not the same as “learn to fight back.”

“If something ever happens that confuses you or scares you, I want to know about it.” Leave the door open. Don't make them come find the door first.

The Real Work Is Ours

Here's the part that's harder to market, harder to brand, and harder to make “cool”: the real work of keeping children safe falls squarely on the shoulders of adults.

It's adults who need to learn the warning signs of grooming. It's adults who need to vet the people in their children's lives. It's adults who need to create environments where children feel safe enough to talk. It's adults who need to understand that predators don't look like monsters—they look like trusted members of our communities.

And it's adults who need to stop outsourcing this responsibility to children under the guise of empowerment.

I'm not saying kids shouldn't learn about safety. They absolutely should. Body safety education is critical, and I'm deeply passionate about it. But the frame has to be right. We teach children about fire safety—but we don't tell them it's their job to put out the fire. We teach them to find a trusted adult. The same principle applies here.

A Gut Check for Parents

The next time you encounter a child safety program—at school, through a community organization, at camp—pay attention to the messaging. Ask yourself:

Who is this program telling is responsible for keeping children safe? Is it framing safety as the child's job or the adult's job? Does it use language that could make a child feel responsible if something goes wrong? Does it account for the freeze response, the power differential, and the psychological reality of how children experience fear and trauma?

If the messaging puts the burden on children—even unintentionally, even wrapped in fun branding and good intentions—it's worth questioning.

Because our children deserve to be children. They deserve to play, explore, and grow up knowing that the adults in their lives have their backs. They shouldn't have to carry the weight of their own protection. That's our job. And it's time we owned it fully.

If you’re looking for an evidence-based safety presentation that puts the responsibility where it belongs—on the adults—I can help!  Through my Savvy Parents Safe Kids programs, I give presentations to parent communities all over the world, both in person and online, teaching adults how to better protect the children in their lives.  Whether it’s your school, church, sports league, or community organization, I would love the opportunity to support your parent community!